Fun

Here are some jokes and other fun items that have been sent to me from various people. Hope you enjoy them!

Jokes
50 Dollars	American Engineers	Lawyer Jokes	Mystery Death
Bush In Hell	Spooky Stories	Limp Parrot	Through The Barn

Other Amusements
The Clever Clock	Moving or Not?

50 Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

American Engineers

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?

A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?

A: It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Mystery Death

In a hospital's Intensive Care ward, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11am on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.

"The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Spooky Stories

On a Sunday evening, a young woman drove herself to a meeting she had up north the next day, when she noticed that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next gas station was. Just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep the night on the side the road, she came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station.

When she pulled in, the attendant made his way round the car and seemed to be very distracted when she asked him to fill it up.She even thought that the man was making faces at her! He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her to pop open the hood of the car because there "seemed to be a problem." Naturally, the woman became a little anxious - she was all alone in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious that the attendant was trying to find reasons to keep her there.

He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to "show her something". Not wanting to seem hysterical and paranoid, she did as he asked. As she rounded the front of the car he grabbed her arm and said that her car needed to be towed to the nearest town and she would have to come into the office to complete the paperwork. He then put his hand over her mouth and forced her into the office. She began to bite his hand once they were inside and he let her go. He explained to her that there was a man crouched down in the backseat of her car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen.

They called the police who came to arrest the man who, it was later discovered, was a known serial killer.

Two friends moved to New York, and because rent was so high, they shared a studio apartment. One of the girls was a real party girl and the other apparently a stay-at-home type. One Friday evening the party girl headed out for a night on the town, and asked her flatmate to come along. The girl declined and said she was going to read and then go to bed early. The girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered she had forgotten something. By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled back to the apartment and quietly let herself in. Not wanting to wake her flatmate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar.

When she got home the next morning, she opened the door to this: Her flatmate's head had been cut off and was lying on the floor.

Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"

A Spanish man doing some business in Poland came across an open funeral home with a casket laid out for viewing. Bizarrely, he went in but found no one there. He felt bad for the dead man, said a prayer, and signed the registrar. A month later he got a call from the dead man's lawyer. Apparently, the deceased's will stipulated his multi-million dollar fortune be split evenly amongst all who attended his wake. The Spanish businessman was the only one who signed the book.

Berlin - Just after W.W.II. A young woman made the following report to the police. She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty well and the blind man asked her for a favour; could she possibly deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? As it was on her way home, she agreed. She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the man a question. To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane. Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale. What was in the envelope? A note which said "This is the last one I am sending you today."

Limp Parrot

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried."$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... what did you expect?"

Through The Barn

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out. Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the front doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.

A year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results, a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."